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Showing posts from June, 2017

When do you know it’s over? That you’ve really lost them this time?

Firsthand experience tells me to tell you that it’s in the silence.
Why? At the end of the day, you can only be disappointed so much repeatedly by the same person, I guess. Y'know how they say it's never too late, I beg to differ, really. You can always be too late, even if it's just by a little.
Back to the question, how? Like I said, the silence. At least when they’re throwing curses at you like it’s second nature and screaming how much they hate you, you know that some part of them still cares. Some part of them still cares enough to feel something for you; even if it is love twisted into hate. But when they stop yelling and they lose the fire in their eyes, you’ve lost them. When it goes quiet they’ve given up - they’ve gone.

JUNE

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Imma let you in on a secret: love works better when you don't need it. It's a simple concept, something I remember reading in passing. It's like holding sand, I guess? Scoop up dry sand, and hold it gently, watch how it stays cupped in your palm, micmicking the curves and creases. Do it again, this time, clench your fists, try holding it so tightly like as if it might slip away, now watch it slip away. Watch it slip between your fingers, slip right out of your grip until there's nothing but remnants of what used to be. It's the same with people, when you don't give them space to grow, to breathe, to be their own person. When you're so desperately trying to hold onto them, to keep them stagnant, then you're gonna have to watch them slowly drift away from you.
On a more personal note, it's the mid of the year now, and this has by far been one of the fastest year. I'm 3 papers and a semester away from graduating so there's that, relatively exci…

18 MAY 17

I've seen a lot of negativity on my social media timeline lately and I just want to share a little sunshine, even if it's the tiniest ray.
go out there, love. dance terribly and sing loudly. your heart’s strong as ever, no matter the storms that have tried to ruin you for good. i promise. forget about the yesterdays that followed you here. today, you can forgive even that which has interrupted your sleep. today, all the countries you have lost are replaced in full. today you can rest your head anywhere and remember the women before you who did not die, even when the whole world willed it. listen, love. go on and feel everything if that’s what it takes. so what if the world doesn’t love you back? what does it know anyway. go and save yourself in the thousand ways you feared were impossible. the war’s not over but for people like us, it never is. breathe deeply, love. keep waking up, even if the days you step into do not belong to you. go on, love. go and tell the river it owns …

29 APRIL 17

Here's a very common scenario, you meet a guy/girl and the conversation was good, last time you guys hung out, it was even better. But oddly, there's just no contact from them in a week. And i know generally we tend to overthink about everything but the thing is they said they wanted a relationship and even asked about you guys living together in the future.
 The million dollar question is always, why?
I've had a couple instances where people came up to me with this scene and asked me for my personal opinion and if I had to be honest, sounds like they aren't interested; I mean they're SOMEWHAT interested but not interested enough, makes sense? Even I myself have spoken to people like that before. didn’t reply me on time, (or at all), and honestly they can try to justify it any type of way they want but at the end of the day they’re just not that into you.
So best advice I get give you is to do yourself a favor now and leave. don’t wait around for people. i’m tellin…

She's full of light. 

Almost mistook her for the sun.

11 APRIL 17

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10 APRIL 17

And my god, I hope you wake up one morning to someone who loves you like you’re a sunflower and they’re desperate to keep you alive. I hope you dance with them in the small space of your kitchen floor, messy hair and tired eyes because you both been up all night watching movies again. I hope you laugh with them in a way you never did with anyone else, head tilted back and lips apart as you let out every sound your laugh can possibly make and I hope to god you don’t try to cover your mouth. And if you do, because that’s okay, I know I sometimes do, I hope they stop you. I hope they grab your hand before it ever comes in contact with your lips and I hope they hold it to their chest as they watch you with kind loving eyes. Because Jesus, everyone knows you deserve it. And I hope you find someone who’ll accept you. I hope they accept your messy hair in the early morning of the day and I hope they accept the way you sometimes talk too much and can’t seem to stop when you’re nervous or how …

2017 April update: | 6 APRIL 17

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy.
Albeit a little terrified but more happy than terrified. Honestly though, everything feels so unreal, maybe because a big part of it are all firsts? Maybe, or maybe it's cause for once in this damned life, there's someone willing to put in just as much, if not, even more, into this whole thing. Maybe.
But one thing's for sure, I'm happy. Sincerely sincerely happy.



On another note: Yeah, they should’ve treated you better. They should’ve cared more. But they didn’t and they don’t, and your life keeps moving forward.

31 MARCH 17

concept: it’s 3am and we are in bed together. we should be asleep but we are talking about how we will be when we are old. how we will live in a cute house with antiques and a garden and we will act like silly teens always giggling and kissing and we will grow old together.

25 MARCH 17

So the night literally took my breath away and I've all these emotions bottled up and I truly don't know how to spill it out but I'm so happy, on the brink of deliriousness, if you'd like. But I'm so happy.  Christ I wanna share this feeling with everybody because it feels so good and bubbly and giggly and my cheeks hurt from smiling and my throats hurts from laughing and I just, I don't know y'know?  Is this what it feels like? For things to be raw and genuine and sincere and maybe real? It's terrifying though, I gotta be real honest here; it's absolutely scaring the shit out of me but yeah, we'll see I guess.  Also, maybe y'all don't get told this enough but you deserve to be happy. Always.

A couple of gentle reminders: | 22 MARCH 17

some days you do big things and conquer the universe and other days you’re really proud of yourself for making a spectacular grilled cheese and not killing yourself but either way it’s all good Overlooking the bad in someone and how they treat you terribly just because you love them is very bad for you and your well being, stopMore loveTell people how important they are to you, alwaysC'est comme ça Just cause someone chooses another person over you doesn't make your worth any lowerThink of three things you're grateful for at the end of the night before you go to sleepBe kindAlways always always keep your head up, baby

17 MARCH 17

The first step is always the hardest to take, has the most hesitation.

Because what if you regret it right? what if you turn out not liking the decision you make and it was a mistake?

The first step is always the hardest to take because  it is our human nature to stay in our bubble, to fall into a pattern of familiarity, to stay "safe".

But growth never comes about from staying put, you and I both know that.

Nikita Gill

Do not allow him to consume you. If he does not call, go to sleep. 

If he does not message, put your phone away and have a fantastic day anyway. 
If he acts distant when you are with him and refuses to tell you what is wrong, don’t wait for him, go home and do something you love. 
If he tries to insinuate you do not need your friends now that you have him, spend more time with your friends. 
If he tries to teach you a lesson through the silent treatment, ignore him completely. 


If he plays with your feelings constantly, walk away from him. 
If he acts like your body is his entitlement when you are not ready, walk away from him.
If he says terrible, unforgivable things and threatens to leave you after every argument, walk away from him. 
If he forbids you from doing anything you love, walk away from him. 
If he claims ownership of your accomplishments, walk away from him. 
If he demeans you or disrespects your being a girl and refuses to stop when you tell him it hurts, walk away from him.



I cann…
Look, a while ago, everything was a blur and everything broke my heart but this feels so refreshing and it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy and makes my heart happy.
lmao i accidentally 50 published posts from 2017, well shit.