It has been a rough start to a whole new year, and in all honesty, I'm still trying (very hard) to gain my momentum again.
You know how sometimes when life decides to go "hey, you know what? I have not fucked with you in a while, so let me just do something about that" and then throws the MOST unexpected obstacle at you that hits you spot on in the face and despite people telling you to just "move the fuck on" and "get over it", there's this little tiny little voice in your head (no, I don't think it's your conscience) that tells you to just hang in there? Yeah, that's it.
It's 2015 and I can feel it deep in bones that this year is going to be a big one.
I'm going to be starting university soon, this also means, a completely new environment and group of friends (but I'm still definitely going to be holding onto my old ones because I do love them so very dearly). I have always been awfully with goodbyes, so I still cannot fathom how I am going to be able to send off a few of my close friends at the airport.
New Year's resolution include:
- Be kinder.
- Do NOT be sorry for your soft and vulnerable.
- Love (a little less) harder (perhaps?)
- Blow everyone out of the water in university.
- (Try very very hard to) embrace change
I was asked this question a few days back:
"Do you believe that people come back into your life? I don't believe it, I think that when someone leaves that they're gone for good. But it hurts so much and I wish I could believe... I just want some stability."
I never got the chance to give a proper answer, (so if you are reading this, which I hope you are), let me tell you this:
Sometimes I think people come back to you when they’re ready, but you shouldn’t spend the rest of your life waiting for them. I spoke (spoke would be an understatement, more of suddenly have an outburst and broke down) to this darling friend of mine and she said something that really hit a spot.
"You can hang on but you do it happily, you do not do this to yourself, you do not bring yourself down, you be happy."
I guess it is to say that, you can hope for it and hang in there for this but you do not wait, you know? You, of course, do not revolve your entire life and well being around them (ironic). You be soft and kind. And maybe, just maybe, all this hurt that you're going through will work itself out, will settle down like sand on the ocean bed, and they will come back, maybe. But for now, you just need to live for yourself.
It's okay. It’s okay. You’re allowed the bad nights. You’re allowed the bad nights. You’re allowed to feel the weight of the world. But tomorrow you pick up that weight and you stand on it instead and you feel taller and grow and you heal. You heal. You heal.
On the side note: I know you are doing and feeling good, and I am so very proud of you, know that if you decide to come home, arms are still open, tea will be served, and I will hold your hands.