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Showing posts from May, 2014

important things to do:

sleep with both windows open:Astral projectiondrink enough water there’s a small paddling pool inside you at all timesdraw your dreams and leave the pages squashed between bus seatsdon’t miss the past, it’s hazy for a reason
in five minutes i’m going to wake up
and say ‘i love you’ to the sky. 
this is our time.
i want your feet on my hands and your 
head deep into a cloud.
i am dizzy with you.
pools of light come apart between us
all queer and laughter
all gay and uproar
all insane and growth.
i am all about your hands on me
and the wind on me
and the sun on my hands.
everything else can leave me alone.
my skin is quiet. 
i like it that way.
no panic, no fear, no violent force to rip
me out of our dream.
this is reclamation
of love
of language 
of a space to exist in
without blood in our mouths.
i call you you.
you call me me.
we fuck up everything spectacularly 
and make new bodies from the mess.
nothing more beautiful than this
ever fell from anywhere.
we exist.
we barely exist.
we exist loudly in our softness,
wind slapping palm leaves 
against dying firework sounds,
the sighing of the ocean
in the middle of the night.
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oh right i guess i should let you go now
isn’t it unfair how well your body fits in my hands
i like the way you look huddled around the bonfire with all my friends
i like how you look laughing by the silver water, i like sleeping on your shoulder while you’re talking on the phone in the back of cait’s car
on long rides when your mom is having difficulty explaining where
she parked your car
hey listen have you heard there’s this chemical dmt that your brain releases
in REM sleep and also just before you die
josh smoked it once in the back of a stranger’s van at a music festival (where all worthwhile things happen)
said it makes faces look like shattering glass
makes cars humming along the highway look like they’re melting
said it’s like you’re viewing the whole world through a windshield blurry
and drooping with torrential rain
he said he’s afraid heaven will be less now that he’s experienced something
so incredible
but we know that’s ridiculous i mean i’ve held your body close to my body
after not se…
HOW SCARY IS IT TO KNOW THAT WE'RE ACTUALLY PRETTY DAMN INSIGNIFICANT, LIKE WE ARE ALL THIS TINY LITTLE ORGANISM ON A FLOATING ROCK AND EVENTUALLY WE WILL ALL DISAPPEAR AND EVOLUTION WILL PROBABLY START ALL OVER AGAIN AND THERE'LL BE SOMEONE ELSE LIKE ME WRITING SOMETHING LIKE THIS IN THE VERY FAR FUTURE?
let’s be less than human together let’s talk about how tough it is to exist let’s shut the fuck up for five hours let’s not say one word for five whole hours let’s become clouds in the distance of our respective bodies let’s be messed up bodies in various spaces let’s queer this shit up let’s stand in the wind and say ‘this is nuts’ let’s drink a lot of water let’s watch your old house from afar looking like a cartoon behind the haze of distance let’s be we let’s suffer through whatever happens let’s come out on the other side a new thing let’s be several things let’s never stop becoming more and more things let’s appreciate being alive in the small moments that we’re afforded that privilege let’s be alive for as long as we can let’s be five hundred birds who are very alive
I am constantly swallowing blood. I am always wringing my hands blue. I am full of fever. 

While you exist, the rain leaves bruises. The heat of summer lights my hair on fire. No one sits next to me on the bus ride home. I have chewed off all my fingernails. 

While you exist, my heart plays possum. My teeth fall out. The dishes sit in their own grease. The birds turn to humans. Singing in the mornings. Throwing themselves off tower blocks. My knuckles are skinned to the bone. 

While you exist, I crush berries in my palms. Smear the walls red. Name the stray cats. Leave all the lights on. Fall asleep to the television. Cut myself out of photographs. 

While you exist, the moon follows me home. Throws my shadow across the kitchen tile. Calls the tides to my feet. 

While you exist, blunt trauma. Loneliness. The same thing. Your voice fills my eardrums. Fills the bedroom. Fills me with grief. And I am practicing my nooses. And I am practicing my handwriting. I write you the letter. 

While you ex…

Expect to be burnt if you bring paper to put out a fire.

in a quiet breathing sun-drenched room, there’s a girl wearing laughter instead of clothes. there’s a man lying on his back, hands behind his head, looking at her with something so gentle in his eyes that she cannot bear to look at him for too long. she rolls over and he makes a soft “oof” sound as her elbow meets his ribs. they both pause a soft second as she settles on top of him. “hey you” she laughs. he kisses her mouth with his eyes closed, as light as butterfly wings. “hey” she cajoles “look at me.” he can only manage for a second, their eyes meet and an entire procession of moments pass silently between them. he turns his head away, smiles and sighs “your eyes,” he murmurs quietly. his chest rises and falls beneath hers. “i’m fucked.”

"Don’t ask me to be vulnerable with you if you have no intentions of protecting me." — Jacoria Little

290514

So today, out of the blue, a friend of mine whom I've not spoken to since year 4 randomly messaged me and it was the loveliest thing ever, we caught up on whatever that has been going on in our lives, it felt so nice and warm and fuzzy because who knew human connection could run so deep and it was absolutely adorable and I am so happy and giddy.
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There's this guy. 
He has eyes I want to drown in, touch that burns my skin, hands safer than a church, and I swear to God when he says my name, it sounds like a prayer and I love him I love him I love him. 
Nothing breaks my heart more than him.
One of those ugly people who has the paper and changes the shape on it.
i never broke any bones when i was a child
but i am surrounded by impacted fractures
of time and circumstance and reaction in which
the bone is the beauty in the balance of everything 
around me. i am appalled by such beauty, and i fear
it’s fleeting nature because i never think fast enough
to write it down and i also can’t draw for shit.
i see it in flowers. i can’t prove it though, because
picking one off it’s stem just kills the flower, and
it loses the beauty. it’s unfair, but it’s mostly
condescending. i guess beauty is death but
none of us look good once we start to rot.
call it beautiful and we’ll just call you morbid.
i see the same thing in cigarettes, in the ash
as it burns with life and diminishes with oxygen.
sometimes i just don’t get how those things
are bad for me. sometimes i wonder what i’d
be like now if my mom never told me that the
two kids that looked like me and my brother in
the photograph above her toilet wasn’t actually
me and my brother. i wonder if i’m the only
person who thinks…
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Cause at the end of the day, family is still family and that's where your root is
Come along now, darling,  take my hand, and we’ll face the darkness together.

Note to everybody:

Acting like you don't care is not letting go.

Note to everybody:

Acting like you don't care is not letting go.
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i miss you
or everyone
i can’t really tell 
i woke up this morning unexcited and i hate when that happens
that happens too often this monthi dont know what it is about anything in between but i hate it
i hate this
i dont even know distinctly what i’m referring to
i used to be better at being sad before i knew comfort so well
now i’m acting like it’s the first time i’ve ever woken up
with my t-shirt stuck to my back with sweati havent even been on a rooftop since i’ve been home
i haven’t even held someone’s hand in the middle of the road
tell myself ‘you’ll get used to this’
roll back to sleep
read a book
read a book
'you'll be fine'
Only yesterday I was kissed on the top 
of my head, only yesterday I was baking 
lavender cookies and dyeing my hair. 
Sometimes whales will leave home mid-song 
and return months later to finish it, as if 
there had been no interruption. 
Dirty water fills up my sink like a lung.
— Gale Marie Thompson, “Animal spotting"

الجيات أحسن من الرايحات

What is coming is better than what is gone.

Going on hiatus for a while, I'll be back real soon.

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"We were never in love, but oh God, we could've been."

I remember when i was love sick. you block out everyone. you feel so tired, because you haven’t slept in forever. you know that he’ll be in your dreams, but you don’t want to stay awake laying in your bed crying either. you’re starving, but you can’t eat because you’re starving for him and every memory just leaves you a bigger hole in your heart. even your clothes remind you of him what you wore when you hung out. you can still smell him all over them, even though his scent hasn’t been there for long. you wish his scent would be stuck on you, but you know you’d be pulling at your skin trying to get him off you. you’re online, he signs on, and you want to yell at him to go away, but you just watch the screen waiting for him to say anything, but then he signs off, and you tear yourself apart for not saying anything to him. you stop talking to your friends, and they get worried and try comforting you, but they just make you feel worse because they think they know, but they don’t. they do…
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des poignées de robes qui dépassent
ridée comme l’eau, les os encore fusionnés 

de la soie dans ma tête des oiseaux dans l’arrière-cour 
aussi primordiaux que l’amour et son manque

des flashs d’appareil photo dans une bouche à moitié formée
un type de musique perçante et chimique

tous ces corps éveillés et recouverts d’anneaux 
chacun d’entre nous façonné de manière si désastreuse

(4) by Siobhan

i can’t promise that
you will stop having nightmares
but I’ll hold your hand

Confessions of an ex-lover:

we were real(by the light of the sun, and by the light of the moon)we were pure(electricity in circuit veins)and babe, we were the best

The poet drunk dials, Clementine Von Radics

I’m not sure how to get home, 
so I’m outside your apartment. 
I should tell you, I went
for the double whiskey sour.
and then a few whiskeys more.
I’m still much better at drinking
than stopping, unfortunately.Earlier they were strippers, oiled 
and beautiful, spinning like meat 
on a spit. Earlier I thought of you.
How you were far away, where my hand 
couldn’t wrap around the curve 
of your thigh.The sidewalks are glittering 
from the rain and you are still
beautiful. This is me 
throwing pebbles. If you want to,
please let me in.I want to curl into the sweet expanse 
of your back. I want to wake up, 
make you coffee, make you laugh, 
make myself into the person 
who is worthy of you. You 
have been strong so much longer 
than I’ve been good.To speak it simply now: 
you are the whole of my heart.
You are the choke on my beer. 
You are the last voice
before I shuffle off this mortal shitshow.The constellations whispering to me 
there will never be another one
like you. I want it written on my tombstone.
Let ou…

I grabbed her by the throat but I didn’t choke her. Just kissed her so deep she forgot whose air she was breathing.

You’re many things to me.
You’re my ‘what if,’ my ‘could have been,’ and my ‘best friend.’
You’re the one who built me back up, tentatively putting all the pieces in their rightful place, only to turn around and shatter me.
You’re the one who left without a goodbye, without a warning, and without some much as a second thought.
You’re my everything, and my nothing, but you will never be a mistake.

Beau Taplin // without intent

"We don’t mean 
to hurt each other 
but we do. 
and perhaps 
no matter how 
right we are for 
each other, 
we’ll always be a little 
too wrong."
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"He forgot about you. Remember that."
Remember this every day until it sinks in. Keep reminding yourself of this every time you are reminded of him until you realise that you deserved better. You deserve better. Remember that.

Feel deeply, react fully and most of all, do it without remorse

I wonder how you can look at anything and not feel your knees shake from the memory of it. I have been in your bed and cradled between your palms and your knees, in your shower and in the patch of sunlight that touches your room just before noon. Your sheets and your hair and your hips. Your lazy Saturday morning smile isn’t yours anymore. It’s mine. Look, there, you can see me. There’s my ghost. She’s waving at you. She’s saying ‘boy, you’ll need to burn this entire place down if you want to forget what happened here.’ She’s saying ‘man, all the ways we loved is splattered across these walls like murder.'
Do you remember those nights when we stood on the sea just to get closer to the moon? It was exhausting, but at least we were still reaching for light.
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she is the sixth syllable and
the twenty seventh letter.
everything they taught you in school
did not prepare you for this.
she has the quiet of the floorboards
of the victorian house at the end of the street. 
but you don’t go near her. you can’t.
you’re so scared to look at her it makes you sorry.
she is your first laugh at three months old,
the heart breaking in you at sixteen,
the realisation that not every road in
the world is a blocked one.
that there are construction sites in your head
and that’s why you can’t hear yourself think.
she is the moments, she is the slap, she is the being
and tonight, she is lying on your stomach in the dark,
and the grass will turn into quicksand,
and the moon will crumble into itself,
but you won’t notice.

— Unaccompanied, Gillian Sze

Someone once said
when two people are in love
they create a third being

and that when it’s over and done,
the third is left to wander.
When I was a child, my mother would always lecture me on mixing up the puzzle piece even though the looked like they might fit, but they would never be able to form the right picture and with blank eyes, I would nod my head and keep trying to bend them until they completed each other and now that I'm older I only wish that I had listened because maybe then, I would have understood what you meant when you said we didn't belong together
screw stardust; be iron instead.
be the element that creates stardust.
be the element that causes the largest stars to explode.
be the element that is strong enough to collapse an entire universe.
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How to tell if somebody loves you:

Somebody loves you if they pick an eyelash off of your face or wet a napkin and apply it to your dirty skin. You didn’t ask for these things, but this person went ahead and did it anyway. They don’t want to see you looking like a fool with eyelashes and crumbs on your face. They notice these things. They really look at you and are the first to notice if something is amiss with your beautiful visage!Somebody loves you if they assume the role of caretaker when you’re sick. Unsure if someone really gives a shit about you? Fake a case of food poisoning and text them being like, “oh my god, so sick. need water.” Depending on their response, you’ll know whether or not they REALLY love you. “That’s terrible. Feel better!” earns you a stay in friendship jail; “Do you need anything? I can come over and bring you get well remedies!” gets you a cozy friendship suite. It’s easy to care about someone when they don’t need you. It’s easy to love them when they’re healthy and don’t ask you for anythi…

Mantra:

1. Kiss that cute boy at the party, or don't. Whatever makes you happy. 2. Smoke a cigarette for the first time, and make it your last 3. Don’t straighten your hair for a week, see how many compliments you get  4. Blast your favourite song even when your mum has told you off for playing it too loudly. Enjoy those 3 minutes of pure happiness before she pulls the plug out. 5. Say yes to going out, you’ll have something to tell your grandchildren about  6. Paint a sun on a rainy day, then stick it to the window  7. Eat the cupcake, you have better things to worry about than those 300 calories 8. Do yoga and meditate as often as possible 9. Stand up for yourself. Someone called you a slut? Someone said you are ugly? Someone said your art work was boring and dull? That is your cue to fucking stand up for yourself and make them speechless 10. Don’t respond to a group of males whistling at you. You’re a human being, not a fucking dog 11. Leave your headphones at home, see how much you are missing …
See, when you meet someone  for the first time,  you don’t really imagine that they would  turn out to be someone important to you. You don’t really assume that  when you first learn someone’s name that after awhile you would begin to really  get to know them inside and out, or how you begin to pick up their habits, and start talking like them, or finishing the food off their plates you don’t really see these things happening, when you first meet someone. Without really expecting it, this someone who was only just a stranger to you before, can all of a sudden mean so much more, can become someone so special, and someone you can’t see yourself living without.

When you're sad:

1. Write letters to the people you love. Don’t seal them; don’t send them. Instead, stick them between the pages of library books.2. Eat raspberries off your fingertips.3. Venture outside and observe natural life. Watch a honey bee suck the nectar from lavender plants. Watch a snail slowly make its way towards the shade of a tree. Watch a hummingbird innocently fly above your head. Realize how insignificant you are.4. Smile at strangers; say hello. It will improve their day and your own.5. Write lists. They can be about anything.6. Read several pages of the dictionary. Learn new words. Write down the ones you wish to remember.7. Never feel compelled to apologize when you don’t feel sorry. It’s okay that you’re honest. It’s okay that you have a different opinion from someone else.8. Read books and watch movies from your childhood. A healthy dose of nostalgia is okay. Immerse yourself in your past innocence.9. Walk to a park and get on a swing. Go as high as you can; feel limitless. The…