idea: buy air conditioner and space heater for bedroom, turn them on, see if they make a tornado
idea: stop taking all your medication and live violently, the way god intended
idea: get out of bed, buy dry erase board, write to-do list on it, never cross anything out, never do anything
idea: get out of bed
idea: i don’t like Queens because all the buildings and short and square and it reminds me of my gym teachers teeth and
the way he touched that girl and it makes me very nervous to talk about
idea: i used to love sleeping but now it makes me feel scared and dead
idea: if you brush your teeth long enough can they get sharp like fangs?
idea: a phone that senses when you’re drunk or sad and then blows up before you can text anyone
idea: an ever lasting kitten fountain
idea: when my uncle was 17 he was drunk and hit someone with his car and they died and he never got caught and sometimes i think i am just like him
idea: don’t ever get murdered ever because if the cops go through your left dresser drawer they are going to think you’re a pervert
idea: take your medicine
idea: build a shelf, put candles on it, let the wax drip down the wall, do nothing about it, let it fill the entire room, build a kingdom out of the wax, drown in it, become lavender scented and store packaged and burn in her room and become everything, be everything, watch the way her hands touch everyone that isn’t you.
idea: get high instead of filling out grad school applications
idea: stop getting high instead of filling out grad school applications just so you don’t have to think about the future and how everything has been so fast and you didn’t plan this far ahead and how sometimes you can’t breathe and how sometimes you don’t know what is real anymore or if you are real all you know is that you still love her and it makes you feel scared and dead
idea: shut up forever
idea: I don’t like Queens because she doesn’t live near the 30th ave stop on the Q anymore and when I close my eyes i still see the roof shake and the red lights reach through the window every 35 minutes after midnight. it feels strange that two other people sleep in her room now and they’ll never know her back and they’ll never memorize her bookshelf and i’m sure that no one has stared at the knotty floor board like i have and no one has ever felt as much, as hard, as i did under the Q train, every 35 minutes after midnight
idea: her bottom teeth used to be fence posts and gravestones and it makes me nervous to talk about
idea: it feels weird liking facebook pictures of people that you’ve seen naked before because you don’t like it but you feel something deep and heavy and angry in your stomach and you figure that ‘like’ is close enough
idea: take shower, stay in shower for days, see how long it takes roommate to call cops
idea: ignore cops, submerge permanently, curl into a nautilus, get a different room in the hospital this time
idea: when i look at my mother i feel sad and embarrassed and apathetic, when did that happen?
idea: yell at my girlfriend for burning the toast because i can’t yell at her for wanting people that aren’t me
idea: i feel like a wild animal
idea: i am suffocating under layers and fever hot, my bones ache like they want me to tear them out or something, to molt, scuttle as a hermit crab under the nearest rock, stay there for one hundred and twenty seven days until i become something docile, something nurture-worthy.
idea: i love you even if there were oceans between us