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Life update

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After many
“I can’t do this anymore”
“Maybe I’ll win the lottery”
“Do I really need this degree?”
later, I have officially graduated; convocation and certificate and all (about a month ish ago, towards the end of April). It was not as overwhelming as I thought it would be, probably because I never really immersed myself in the whole "university experience"; never really joined any extra curricular events unless necessary, did more studying at home at my own time compared to attending lectures in campus, never really bothered mingling around.
The one thing I can take out of this experience though, is the conflicting feeling of relief and confusion. Relieved because it's all finally over (unless I decide to pursue my Masters), all the late nights cramming for exams, the due dates for upcoming assignments. No more thinking to myself "why didn't I start earlier?" or "why didn't I attend class?" or "do you think attending class would've helped …

Q: How do you tell someone you don’t love them anymore?

A:
There are many ways to tell somebody you no longer love them.
Some are more passive: you stop saying it back before you hang up the call. You stop saying it back before you walk out the door. Your hugs become more half-hearted; your conversations become more mundane. When they ask you if you’re okay, you get annoyed. You brush them off; pretend that everything is fine. Small things end up in huge fights.
Falling out of love is rarely gentle.
Other ways are more direct. You’ve been thinking about it for a while, but you say nothing until you’re sure. They don’t have a clue. One day, at breakfast, or at dinner, or a week before you’re supposed to go on holiday with their parents, you say “can we talk?” And they look at you through their unassuming eyes, thinking you’re going to tell them about your day but instead, you say “I don’t know how to tell you this, but I’m no longer in love with you.” And there is silence before there are tears and there is violence in the emptiness until it fa…
It is okay to want your own happiness.  It’s okay to care about yourself the most.  It’s okay to do what’s healthy for you. 
When someone hits you, it’s okay to hit back and then ask them what the hell they expected.  It’s okay. 
You are not obligated to sit there and smile and swallow every bit of shit everyone heaps on you.  You are more than furniture, you’re more than window dressing, you’re not their shiny toy.  You’re human, and you have the right to say “That was shitty of you”.  You have a right to say “Let me feed that back to you; tell me, how does it taste?”  You have a right to protest your own mistreatment and set boundaries for respectful interactions. 
The rest of the world doesn’t realize you have this right, and they will act offended and appalled when you exercise it, but it is yours.
As a child, they teach you about safe spaces and how it is okay to retreat into yourself when the world gets too heavy. They teach you how to turn your skin into makeshift shelter and hide away when the storms hit, but how soon until a house becomes a prison cell and your bed starts to grow shackles and chains for a spine? and so you learn to draw a circle with chalk and you stand in it and wait for things to get better.

You draw a circle with chalks or parts of your own bone it doesn't really matter which, and you stand in it and wait for things to get better. You wait for days where you can walk outside and days where the air isn't barb-wired in your throat holding your soul by the skin of its back. You draw a circle and stand in it and nothing can touch you here but don't worry nothing is ever going to try anyway. You have knives for hands, daggers for teeth, red neon lights backed against a wall screaming do not touch do not touch me do not touch me so loud it rattles …

Q&A

Reactivated my ask.fm for a bit and scrolled through the unanswered questions I had and came across this one, figured it'd be a good writing prompt, and also figured the person who sent this deserved an answer. 


Q: Do you think he misses me like I do him sometimes?

A: I don’t know, if I had to be honest. Maybe he does. Maybe on some nights he misses you so much that he has trouble sleeping. Maybe he tosses and turns and he picks up his phone and almost dials your number. Maybe when he gets drunk on the weekends he calls his new girlfriend by your name. Maybe he still thinks about you every day. Or, every other day. Maybe he regrets ending things with you. Or he wishes he hadn’t let you go so easily. Maybe he still has your t-shirt. Something else you left behind. It doesn’t smell like you anymore, but he thinks it does. Maybe he still talks to his friends about you. Dreams about you. Wishes you would get in touch. Maybe he wonders how you are, whether you’ve found love. Maybe he hop…

About life and it’s process. 

Just a little gentle reminder to start off the first post of 2018. It’s always heartbreaking when things don’t work out.  Always. But I’ve had an epiphany, well not really an epiphany per se, more of a realization that things don’t work out because, well, greater things were in the works. It’s very difficult to realize this while you’re blind and hurting and don’t know which way is up. But, if you have faith in anything, have faith in the fact that the universe has a beautiful way of straightening things out far better than we ever could. You may not see it today or tomorrow, but you will look back in a few years and be absolutely perplexed, and awed by how every little thing added up and brought you somewhere wonderful or where you wanted to be. You will be grateful that things didn’t work out the way you once wanted them to.

2017 in a nutshell. 

Oh, what a year it has been indeed. No doubt one that has been full of growth, mentally and emotionally.  It has been a year filled with forging new friendships with people of different backgrounds, and keeping old friendships close to heart. A year of trying out new things, like salsa which I have come to really love. A year of lessons on trusting your instinct and on loss and on loving.  To understand that the heart will hurt and the heart will heal when time has had enough time.  To understand that you gotta love yourself enough to recognize when a person isn’t treating you right and to step out once it’s recognized.  To understand that life can be kind although it isn’t something you can control all the time. Although the circumstances can kick you down, it can never hold you down and that you can choose to rise. Everything has a way of working out, in the most unexpected way possible, give it time and trust in the process (of course, you need to put in the effort too). If you rem…