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A gentle August reminder for anyone who needs it:

You spend a lot of nights awake and shaking, full of deep fury. Some nights you can’t imagine a night darker than this one. Nights where the light is at the end of some very long tunnel and you’re tired. Your body is tired of moving forward.
You spend a lot of time asking yourself “how can I fix this?” Because the thing is, you want to get better. You want to feel better, live better. People around you give you all kinds of advice - start exercising, talk it out, write it out, drink more water. But that’s too much.
You handle it the only way you know how: by surviving. You sleep often, eat when you can, shower when you remember, meet up with friends when you feel up to it. 
Sometimes you forget how many times you've picked yourself off the floor, how many times you've washed away smudgy makeup and put yourself to bed. How many times you've said no to something unhealthy. Said yes to something good. How many times you've treated goals with kindness and patience. You forget…

"Errors in Thinking" + life update

I came across this article that highlighted the errors in the way we think which leads to negativity or basically creates anxiety:

All-or-Nothing thinking: Looking at things in black-or-white categories, with no middle ground"If I fall short of perfection, I'm a total failure."

Overgeneralization: Generalizing from a single negative experience, expecting it to hold true forever"I didn't get hired for this job, I will never get hired for any job."


The Mental Filter: Focusing on the negatives while filtering out all the positives. noticing the one thing that went wrong, rather than all the things that went right.
Diminishing the Positive: Coming up with reasons why positive events don't count"I did well on the presentation, but that was just dumb luck."
Jumping to Conclusions: Making negative interpretations without actual evidence. You act like a mind reader or a fortune teller."I can tell she secretly hates me."
"I just know somethin…

A year ago, everything was so different. And now that I look back, I realize that a year can do a lot to a person.

Into adulthood

Well, tomorrow is the big day.
My first official day on the job. My first big step into adulthood (I guess?). Spent my last few real free days just relishing in doing nothing. Sleeping in, lazing in my pajamas, reading, gaming.... snacking. hahaha.
It's been good really, it was a good six month, almost 7 months of relaxing, not having commitments or responsibilities or deadlines or obligations, but now it is time to put on the big girl pants and step into the real world. 
To be honest, freshly graduating with no idea what to do in life feels like being in the middle of the ocean, this vast, unmarked body of water. Not being able to see land in any direction, so not having idea which way to go. It is overwhelming to know that you could swim anywhere or do anything. It is almost equally paralyzing to not know which of the anythings would work out. 
It was part luck and part hardwork that got me this job, and for the luck bit, I am very very grateful. With the package offered in the c…

Life update

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After many
“I can’t do this anymore”
“Maybe I’ll win the lottery”
“Do I really need this degree?”
later, I have officially graduated; convocation and certificate and all (about a month ish ago, towards the end of April). It was not as overwhelming as I thought it would be, probably because I never really immersed myself in the whole "university experience"; never really joined any extra curricular events unless necessary, did more studying at home at my own time compared to attending lectures in campus, never really bothered mingling around.
The one thing I can take out of this experience though, is the conflicting feeling of relief and confusion. Relieved because it's all finally over (unless I decide to pursue my Masters), all the late nights cramming for exams, the due dates for upcoming assignments. No more thinking to myself "why didn't I start earlier?" or "why didn't I attend class?" or "do you think attending class would've helped …

Q: How do you tell someone you don’t love them anymore?

A:
There are many ways to tell somebody you no longer love them.
Some are more passive: you stop saying it back before you hang up the call. You stop saying it back before you walk out the door. Your hugs become more half-hearted; your conversations become more mundane. When they ask you if you’re okay, you get annoyed. You brush them off; pretend that everything is fine. Small things end up in huge fights.
Falling out of love is rarely gentle.
Other ways are more direct. You’ve been thinking about it for a while, but you say nothing until you’re sure. They don’t have a clue. One day, at breakfast, or at dinner, or a week before you’re supposed to go on holiday with their parents, you say “can we talk?” And they look at you through their unassuming eyes, thinking you’re going to tell them about your day but instead, you say “I don’t know how to tell you this, but I’m no longer in love with you.” And there is silence before there are tears and there is violence in the emptiness until it fa…
It is okay to want your own happiness.  It’s okay to care about yourself the most.  It’s okay to do what’s healthy for you. 
When someone hits you, it’s okay to hit back and then ask them what the hell they expected.  It’s okay. 
You are not obligated to sit there and smile and swallow every bit of shit everyone heaps on you.  You are more than furniture, you’re more than window dressing, you’re not their shiny toy.  You’re human, and you have the right to say “That was shitty of you”.  You have a right to say “Let me feed that back to you; tell me, how does it taste?”  You have a right to protest your own mistreatment and set boundaries for respectful interactions. 
The rest of the world doesn’t realize you have this right, and they will act offended and appalled when you exercise it, but it is yours.